Santa Fe, New Mexico – July 12, 2017: … (+) A couple dances during a live music concert at a historic plaza in Santa Fe, New Mexico. (Photo by Robert Alexander/Getty Images)
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When was the last time you had friends? Real friends, not just people you met at work or acquaintances. Someone you can call and confide in, someone who has your best interests at heart and someone you can rely on as well.
In my previous article, I explained why making friends after retirement is especially important. Sanjay Gupta, author of Keep Sharp: Build a Better Brain at Any Age, urges friends to “protect your connections” to stay strong and resilient. Friendships are undoubtedly an antidote to the loneliness epidemic older adults face as people move away from the social connections and identities provided by work.
After extensive research, David Niven wrote the book 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People: What Scientists Have Learned and How You Can Use It. “Contrary to the idea that happiness is difficult to explain or depends on having great wealth, researchers have identified core elements of a happy life. The main factors are the number of friends, Closeness with friends, closeness with family, relationships with colleagues and neighbors. Together, these characteristics explain about 70% of an individual’s happiness.”
In other words, your happiness is greatly influenced by your relationships with other people. Encouraging people to make friends after retirement may sound easy (this includes reuniting with old friends and making new ones), but that’s usually not the case. While young children can come home from school in one day with their best friends, it’s more complicated for adults. We often get stuck in our ways and find it difficult to break out of our comfort zone.
What the research shows
Julie Beck spent three years interviewing friends about their friendships. These interviews became The Atlantic’s The Friendship Files. Beck interviewed 100 friends and concluded that there are six forces that help form friendships and sustain them over the years: accumulation, attention, intention, ritual, Imagination, elegance. Her research will be published in a forthcoming book, The Friends We Made Around The Way.
The accumulation of time spent together is important. One study estimates that turning acquaintances into casual friends requires spending 40 to 60 hours together within the first six weeks of meeting each other, and it takes about 80 to 100 hours to turn them into casual friends. Friendships are formed by spending time together. The time spent can be spread out over a long period of time or condensed into a short period of time, such as a course, workshop, or travel experience. So, naturally, friendships tend to form where people spend most of their time anyway, such as work, school, church, and extracurricular activities.
Being mindful can go a long way when forming unexpected friendships, such as noticing when you hit it off with someone and being open to chance encounters. It helps us get out of our habits and get into the present moment. Because even though your social network is established and you feel settled, it’s never too late to meet someone important for the rest of your life.
Being mindful is important, but so is setting intention. When an opportunity presents itself, you have to put yourself out there. It takes courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to get messy. You need to learn how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.
One behavior that seems to make it easier to maintain friendships is ritual. While routines are habitual, rituals are experiences done with intention and can be transformative. A ritual is something done regularly with the purpose of deepening the relationship. We come together in a variety of ways, including book clubs, dinner groups, activities such as tennis, golf, pickleball, bridge/card clubs, and dance groups. Consistent rituals, whether weekly, monthly, every six weeks, or every other month, build relationships and friendships.
In some cases, in-person or local ceremonies may not be possible, but there are still many ways to stay in touch and foster friendships on an ongoing basis. For example, I personally find that the effort to coordinate my schedule is often the biggest barrier when meeting up with friends. It’s easy to lose contact, so I schedule a call to avoid a game of phone tag. When something is on my schedule, it happens.
friendship formula
Shasta Nelson, author of Friendtimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness, created a formula that says all healthy relationships must have three characteristics, and these three are non-negotiable. I believe that it is.
Friendship = Positivity + Consistency + Vulnerability
• Positivity means positive emotions. “It enhances each other’s emotional well-being.”
• Consistency means consistent interaction. “Repetition or regularity that creates patterns, rituals, and expectations in our relationships.”
• Vulnerability means meaningful sharing. “Check your feelings and listen.” Being watched.
That last point, being seen, is itself an important theme of friendship. David Brooks’ latest book is titled “How to Know People: The Art of Seeing and Being Seen Deeply in Others.” He believes that to combat polarization and isolation within society, we need to focus on skills that can be learned but are not taught in most schools. In an interview with CBS Sunday Morning, Brooks said his hope is that “people just learn to see each other. If there’s one skill that’s at the heart of healthy families, communities, organizations, and countries, it’s that It’s the ability to see each other.” And to make each other feel seen, heard, and understood. ”
Brooks describes two different types of people: diminishers and illuminators. He said: They make you feel invisible and unseen. they are not interested in you. They stereotype you. They label you. And there are other people who are illuminators. They’re just people who are interested in you and make you feel upbeat. ”
To highlight illuminators, Brooks started a nonprofit called WEAVE: The Social Fabric Project six years ago. The website states that WEAVE is “invested in people and the people who build them.” The focus is on bringing communities together and restoring social trust.
make friends
Ayse Barthel, author of the books “Designing a Life You Love” and “Designing a Long Life You Love,” says, “Friends are not found, they are made…When you design your life, you literally create friendships.” Think of a friendship factory where you can foster “make friends.” Making friends in this factory requires building trust, having common interests and values, and spending time together. ”
Form or join a club/group
Follow your passions and interests. Find and join a group of like-minded people who enjoy the same activities (sailing, cycling, boating, running, playing cards, dancing) or form a group. I told my husband that I needed more friends and that I love reading, so I suggested starting a men’s book club. Invite two friends (people who love reading, not necessarily best friends), have them invite two more, and have them invite two more. There are currently 10 men in the book club, and each of them values belonging to the group. In addition to reading books, they are sociable and the group passes friendship tests. It was a positive vibe and we got to meet regularly, almost every other month, to meet new people and share stories.
Let’s go on a “walk of wisdom”.
A friend of mine and a few of her friends started an eclectic walking group of about a dozen people. We only meet in the center twice a month and we go with whoever comes. Anyone can invite someone to join. We are an open and inclusive group. But just calling it “Wisdom Walker” sets the tone and creates a positive and interesting conversation.
ask a question
The best way to get to know someone is to talk one-on-one. Contact and invite people you would like to reconnect with or get to know. Ask me a question.
I like to ask my students, “What is the difference between interesting and interesting?” John Gardner, who served as Secretary of Health, Education, and Human Services under President Johnson, wrote an article in Stanford Magazine in 1994 entitled “The Road to Self-Renewal,” in which he emphasized “taking an interest.” . He writes: Stay curious. Discover new things. care. Risk of failure. Please extend your hand. ”
Use golden retriever techniques
You can learn a lot about how to make friends from golden retrievers. They’re always happy to see you, and they don’t care whether you’re happy to see them or not, as author Sarah Todd points out in Quartz. They never worry about exposing themselves to new people. they are not worried about anything. Using the golden retriever technique means that even if someone ignores you or shows little interest, you don’t take it personally or use it as a justification to stop trying to make friends. means not. Go ahead and find other people who value you and want to get to know you.
Making friends as an adult doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time to figure out who you can trust, who will listen, who is fun, who will lift you up, and who will be a positive influence on you. Chip Conley, founder of Modern Elder Academy and author of “Learning to Love Midlife: 12 Reasons Why Life Gets Better with Age,” believes that friendship is a practice and that people change over time. I believe that you can improve your friendship skills with. These are muscles that need to be trained. ” If your friendship muscle gets out of shape, rest assured that with practice and intention, you can flex it again.
To make friends, you have to step out of your comfort zone. Friendships are relationships that require time, money, and energy to maintain, resources that we often don’t have. When we understand the value that friendships play in our lives, it becomes an investment that pays huge dividends in reducing loneliness, improving health, and bringing more happiness. Now is the time to exercise the spirit of friendship.
